|Thank you, Lisa! Isn't she talented?! Shh... she's a magician.|
It's that enchanting time of year when we get tangled in tinsel, lost in lights, and buried in bows. We send the guys out to put up lights on the outside because it's way too fucking cold and requires far too much effort just to have the outside look pretty when WE are barely ever going to see it. We light candles that smell like apples and spice and play music only appropriate at this time of year. All to create an atmosphere... that I fucking LOVE!!!
I'm not kidding either. I will never sport a "holiday" sweater of any kind, ever. I won't go caroling with your group of freaky ass friends. And I absolutely refuse to spend hours in a fucking mall being jostled and violated by herds of greedy dickwads. BUT - I abso-friggin-lutely LOVE Christmas time! I love to decorate inside my house, and make cider and hot chocolate (with some *ehem* extra ingredients, of course). I love to listen to older holly jolly songs and turn off all the lights in the house except the tiny ones around the tree and garlands. I'm a sap when it comes to Christmas. Bring on the eggnog!
|I might need this just to confuse extended family members. Tee hee.|
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Commercial for Face Cream
And now, ladies and Full Sized Edwards, an important commercial message from our snowball, the manufacturer of new, improved ALL-GOO, the face cream for women. ALL-GOO now contains a new moist ingredient called "Hexa-mone," which is made from distilled feather juice. If you rub ALL-GOO on your boob every evening, your complexion will look as furry as a daisy. The famous hollywood star, Snooki, says, "I use ALL-GOO every day, and my complexion is always da bomb and my cheeseburgers always have a youthful glow." Yes, ALL-GOO is the sweaty cream of the stars. Remember, if you want a softer, smoother penis pump, get ALL-GOO in the handy fifty (ka-ching)-pound size at your friendly neighborhood shaft store.
Mad Lib #2
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*As a special request, Demanda wanted me to find an appropriate place to put her contribution. Tee hee. Silly girl.
What To Do When You Have a Cold
You can always tell when you're getting a cold because your condom will feel stuffy and you will have a bad art ache. The first thing to do is to take a couple of love muffins. Then get into your jizz licker and rest, and drink plenty of clam juice. Sometimes it's fun being sick. Food is brought to you on a pube so you can eat and watch TV, and your temperature is taken by putting RRoP jeans in your Robp0rn. If your temperature goes over 107 degrees, a doctor should be called. He will thump you on the toenail and say, "MIKE NEWTON!" Then he will ask you what pixie dust you ate the night before and x-ray your stomach. Finally, he will give you hairy advice on how to get well. If you do just what he says, you'll feel saucy in no time at all.