My Name Is StarlitViolets and I Will Be Your Guide For the Evening

Welcome h00rs and twatwaffles, sluts and bitches, dirty dirty girls, fanfic addicts, tweetaholics, and the one normal person who is sure to be here somewhere... Maybe.

In the spirit of FFFOOORRRKKKSSS, I'll be taking you all on a guided tour of jackassery! Tonight we're serving for refreshments: Liquid Courage with a side of Trucker Talk.

I gotta get this for STY!

For your viewing pleasure, I present your choice of hottie pants (please only take one):

See? They're even travel size!

Now that we've satisfied your more basic needs, let's see where this tour on the crazybus takes us.

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A Tour of Hollywood

Good morning, ladies and cock-juggling cum sponges, boys and knob jockeys. My name is Lisa. I am your personal Twilight Tour guide. For the next six hours, we will delight in exploring romantic, slimy Hollywood, the glamour Snooki of the world. Let's start off with a bang and visit Grauman's Cocktastic Theater, Hollywood's most cooterlicious tourist attraction. You'll see etched in cement the foot-Fooooorks and labia majora-prints of the most famous movie Cullens ever to adorn the red screen. Then it's only a hop, skip, and a nipple to Beverly Hills, the playground of the rich and dysfunctional. You will feast your butt cheeks on the million dollar orgasms of movie stars. You'll actually get to visit the home of today's hottest goatse, Mini Edward, who will sign autographs for the low, low sum of 107 dollars each. And here's the big one! For lunch, we'll be going to a studio commisary, where you can rub testicles with today's leading actors and unicorns. All Aboard!

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How To Study

Combersome teachers always give out phosphorescent assignments. But as everyone knows, you want to oscillate all your classes, so you can go to a troglodite, and someday become president of a big international butternut squash, and have millions of beef curtains in the bank. So you must do your homework and study whorishly. If you just sit around and thrust, you won't get ahead in life. You must learn to pay attention to every sticky thing your teacher says. Do not consummate or whisper to other ball sacks during class. Be sure to have a nice, messy notebook in which you can lick anything the teacher says that seems sploogerrific. Then go home and whip all of those assingtastic notes. When your teacher gives an obsequious quiz, you will know all of the ming readers.